Thursday, June 11, 2015

Predictions for Game of Thrones Season 5 Finale, OR How I Wasted My Morning

UPDATE (6/19/15): Correct predictions highlighted for my satisfaction. That word's a stretch, though. Despite accurately guessing the best-case-scenarios for 6 characters and the worst-case-scenarios for 4, I have found this entire season to be so unsatisfying that I'm glad it's over.

Warnings
Trigger - Mentions of sexual violence
Spoilers - All the spoilers*
*I wish! These are really just guesses, but they include spoilers from previous episodes + the books

So, I don't know about you, but I've been incredibly distracted thinking about Sunday's season 5 finale of Game of Thrones. To help me let this train of thought go, I thought I'd outline all of my worst fears and best hopes for the characters below. Worst-case scenarios (WCSs) come before best-case scenarios (BCSs), obviously, because it's GoT.

I have so little hope.

In ESSOS

Daenerys
  • WCS: Wandering the Red Waste 2.0
  • BCS: She gets really good at riding Drogon. She begins the process of leaving Meereen for Westeros.
Tyrion
  • WCS: He dies. From anything. This would be catastrophic. I would cry. Or Jorah kisses him and he gets greyscale.
  • BCS: He becomes the dragonrider of Rhaegal or Viserion. His dragon burns some bad people up. Judge me all you want, but I love watching bad people die by dragonfire, especially when the event is preceded by the word dracaris.
Jorah
  • WCS: His greyscale is revealed and he's banished from the city for a third time, which would be boring and repetitive.
  • BCS: He dies an honorable death before he can infect anyone else or be banished some more.
Daario + Missandei + Grey Worm
  • WCS: The Sons of the Harpy take over the city and kill or imprison them. Or Jorah gives them greyscale.
  • BCS: They sit quietly and wait for their queen to return.
Arya
  • WCS: Meryn Trant rapes her (I'm sorry, but given the show's history, it's not impossible.)
  • BCS: She kills Meryn Trant. Also Jaqen blinds her because right now her storyline is boring and some temporary blindness would spice it up a bit.
Varys
  • Is he still on the show?

In DORNE

Jaime
  • WCS: Nothing happens. He isn't in the episode.
  • BCS: He's in a fight. He or Bronn dies. They're all boring at this point.
The Sand Snakes + Ellaria
  • WCS: They continue being useless.
  • BCS: They kick some ass like they were always supposed to. Or one of them dies and this gets Doran off his butt and motivates him to do some political damage.
Myrcella + Trystane
  • WCS: They go to King's Landing. *yawn*
  • BCS: They make out some more. This show needs more making out.
Doran
  • WCS: He's not in the episode, or he continues to do boring things that make me lose hope that he ever had a master plan to take down the Lannisters.
  • BCS: He unveils a master plan to take down the Lannisters, which is pretty much just Cersei at this point, although Doran may not know that Tommen isn't evil.

In THE NORTH

Jon
  • WCS: Olly kills him, and his death is clear and finite. They burn his body and he doesn't even survive the flames like a Targaryen. He never gets to ride a dragon or meet his awesome aunt (presumably). He never learns the identity of his parents. GoT loses its last swoon-worthy hero. Besides Daario.
  • BCS: He lives and Olly dies from something random. I'm tired of that kid's dirty looks.
Sam + Gilly
  • WCS: Sam throws himself in front of Olly's knife to save Jon but dies himself.
  • BCS: He kills Olly and saves Jon. He and Gilly have sex again. Or get married!
Stannis
  • WCS: He continues marching to Winterfell but doesn't get there by the end of the episode.
  • BCS: He conquers Winterfell (because the Boltons need to go) and dies from something super mundane, like falling off a tower. OR HE GETS GREYSCALE!
Melisandre
  • WCS: Stannis wins the battle exactly like she hoped and she continues to believe she knows everything. Maybe they need some more luck so she burns Sansa for being related to the King of the North.
  • BCS: She watches Stannis die and I laugh hysterically as she realizes she was wrong about everything.
Selyse
  • WCS: She enters a conquered Winterfell and acts like a queen.
  • BCS: She quietly kills herself for allowing her daughter to be viciously sacrificed.
Davos
  • WCS: He's not in the episode. Or he stands up to Stannis and Stannis lets Melisandre burn him.
  • BCS: He abandons Stannis or kills him. 
Sansa
  • WCS: She's pregnant with Ramsey's child. Her hellish life continues.
  • BCS: She gets to watch her husband die a horrible death. Also her father-in-law dies and Littlefinger dies, too, because I no longer believe he has good intentions for her. Also Stannis conquers Winterfell and makes her Wardeness of the North. (Although if he did, what would she do? She has no idea what to do with power.)
Brienne
  • WCS: Ramsey or Roose or Stannis kills her.
  • BCS: She rescues Sansa and kills Stannis, Ramsey, Reek, and/or Roose. 
Ramsey
  • WCS: He kills Stannis and continues to treat Sansa and Reek the way he has been.
  • BCS: Most of the episode is devoted to his slow, agonizing death. Sansa gets to watch and smile. Fat Walda burns the papers that legitimized him before his dying eyes.
Roose
  • WCS: He wins the battle against Stannis.
  • BCS: He dies painfully but quickly. I don't want to waste a lot of time on his death, I'd just like to be assured that it happens.
Reek/Theon
  • WCS: He continues living his wretched life.
  • BCS: He kills Ramsey and/or helps Sansa escape. Or he dies. I am so done with this character.

In KING'S LANDING

Cersei
  • WCS: She does her walk of penance but all the focus is on her sexual crimes (because she's a woman and it's GoT). A million people call her a whore (so sick of that word). She gets to the end and Robert Strong rescues her. I know he's coming because they showed him on Qyburn's table but I don't want him to do anything useful. Cersei has been in power far too long.
  • BCS: She does her walk of penance and the focus is on her real crimes, like arranging King Robert's death. There's no Robert Strong and she realizes she's alone. She goes back to Casterly Rock a broken woman so I don't have to look at her anymore.
Margaery
  • WCS: She dies in prison. Or she stays in prison and slowly starves. Or she isn't in the episode at all.
  • BCS: She does some minor penance and gets free of the stupid Sparrows. She returns to her husband and teaches him how to be a real king and they start kicking ass. (Likelihood of happening: <1%.)
Olenna
  • WCS: She's not in the episode. Or she dies and House Tyrell loses its mastermind.
  • BCS: She gets her grandchildren out of prison and eats cotton candy while she watches Cersei's walk of penance.
Tommen
  • WCS: He continues being useless.
  • BCS: He dies. It's time. He's proven himself to be entirely useless with no potential whatsoever. It's time to get Cersei's prophecy moving, and her children have to die for that to happen.
The High Sparrow
  • WCS: He gains more power and his zealots spread beyond King's Landing.
  • BCS: He slips on a banana peel and dies.

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